Girl ... Wake Up! NOW!

Jumping Jiminy Crickets!  I've been waiting all day for you to sign on.  I've been here.  Where've you been?  I'm married now.  That's new.  Can't complain.  Things have been pretty strange since the pandemic came and went though.  I got Covid and couldn’t even be with my new husband and that sucked big time!

So ... here's what I wanna write down today.  I've been focusing on one of my favorite topics: Just staying alive!  So, let's get with it!

Damn ... I've been thinking about you!  Here I am, a mother of two beautiful girls and that's what not having a husband around does to a gal in goddam pandemic lock down. 

Oh, God!  Remember that time that we threw that clambake over on the beach?  How we got all set up and got the fire going only to see the black storm clouds hovering and coming at us —fast?  the sudden wind?  The big blow and we tipped the pot over and put out the fire on the beach?  Was that the Vero one or the 

Hilton Head one?  There were two.  I get them mixed up.  Except we weren't together and I distinctly recall trying to hump and dump you at Hilton Head.  You made me cry when you left that next morning.  So it must've been Vero, then when we drove home in the rain squall and couldn't see, so we got a motel in Melbourne and we had dinner instead in our room.  No clams.  well, the one ... mine, right?

We made love all night!  We rocked the world with it!  Do you remember the shower?  I do!  Da-a-a-amn!  I mean, all over, like I was quivering, right?  Those are the times when I get the miss you themes.  That super sexy stuff we did like newly weds!  The night on the gold course?  Sex and the friggin' mosquitos biting our naked asses?  That one time when we sat out on your patio screen room and we were both naked and drunk?  Drunk on each other, I'd say.

What else?

Driving home from the movies?  Do you ever think about that day?  We certainly had our hands full of each other, didn't we?  All those miles and that long drive listening to the sexy Fleetwood's songs on your car’s tape deck?  Yep!  It's fun when you're young and don't care about anything else except getting horny and getting laid.  I think about that day all the time, I do!  I think and I think, and I think of it.  Little circles twirling around, thinking.  If you were honest to me, you're thinking about it too like you are right now.  One word.  Gear shifting the gear knob.  Do you remember what I was doing or were you too busy looking at my skirt hiked up while driving along that long, lonesome road.  The music.  Your hand.  My hand.  Your face.  My other hand on the steering wheel just in case?  You know!  That kept me pretty busy while I was diving and gasping for my breath between coming up for air.  You sure knew how to get my attention span excited.  Remember what I did after that?  Do you?  I did it and I was glad that I did!  I threw my panties right out the damn window while we were going 70-miles an hour getting our hands and fingers busy!  Woo-yeah, we cheered!  You remember us shouting, "Fuck the world?"  I do!  I didn't care a damn thing in those days what other people thought.  Now ... now I never get much of a chance to do those kinds of things anymore.  Frankly, I don't care to.  It's not like that with him.  It’s  about acting responsibly.  It's about security instead of sexy damn fun anymore.  I really miss it though.  I used to be sexier about things.  I used to throw my hair back and just let go.

Damn, if those weren't the good ol' days!

Doesn't this little trip down memory lane make you crazy for me?  Hmmm?  I don't think we spent one night apart, even though my roommate kept calling wanting to know where I was.  She knew.  She fucking knew!  Lisa was no dummy.

 I hate this damn isolation!  Too much time by myself.

Can I tell you a secret?  I don't think I love him like the love like what we had.  We had it all, didn't we?

We were so happy.  The world around us didn't even exist.  We were our world, all of it.  Everyday belonged to us.  Every night belonged to our love.  It was incredible.  It was sublime.  My heart was your home and yours, mine!  I lived for the hours we spent in each other's arms.  I stood on my tiptoe until the moment I would see you again coming to me.  I lived and loved the laughter and hope of the ages in your smile.  You were my dream man.  I'd never, ever, ever known anyone like you before ... and dare I say, after.  In writing this I realize that flame still burns brightly and that I turned you away from me the moment you told me that you loved me.  I didn't know what to do with real love.  Not the kind of love that had kindled in us, together.  My idea of love had been diverted, perverted, ingrown and selfishly self-centered.  What did I know of love?  What did I know when I threw all that away?  Oh, I stayed with him, that much is true. We led the kind of life he preferred to make us be.  But it was never my life.  For you see, I had seen the other side.  I had touched the feathers of an angel and it frightened me that I felt so unworthy and undeserving.  I was spoiled and I was already a ruined thing when I met you.  I was lost too and fled to where you are now.  Heaven, they say, is hard to hold.  Especially for someone as mind-stunned as a girl like me.  When all you had seen before in your life was greed, not love, well ... then, when love happens it's like a masquerade under a full moon.It is at once horrible and yet wonderful, terrible and insanely fabulous.  It was too much, you see.  I was so young.  I was as unprepared for you as a child crying in the rain without an umbrella or a raincoat.  I had ben soaked though to the bone with his influence and bent to his corruption.  All the time, every moment with you that we spent ... the nights, oh, those nights under the stars!  He was there too.  There, in the background pulling at me, manipulating my strings, grappling at my skin like a dumb fish on the end of his line.  You see, he had already hooked me.  He had twisted me on his hook.  He and his damn Anne!  He played her against me making me mad with jealousy and he had squeezed every single ounce of goodness — just wrung it out of me.  I was but a mere shell when you and I lived our love together in pure heavenly bliss.  Oh, how I loved it all.  Oh, how I wanted it to go on, and on, and on ... but for what?  I knew the day would come.  So I pushed you away.  There is no apology, nor saying I'm sorry that can change all that.  There is only one thing I wanted then and want so much now to say. Please forgive me!  Please still have a little left for me inside that I didn't burn down.  Angry?  Yes, sure we were angry.  Angry and deathly afraid.  Afraid and disappointed.  Desperate and disgusted.  I don't blame you for any of what we ended up being.  What I ended up becoming.  Slut was right and you called me a stupid cunt for returning to his grip on me.   I was only 21-years old.  I didn't understand then and it makes little sense to me now.  We were doomed from the very start.  We were wonderfully doomed and we made the most of it, didn't we?

Now I want you to know what I couldn't tell you, didn't dare admit it to myself, but oh my goodness how I was in love with you.  There.  I hope that's enough now.  Love can forgive, can't it?  The good outweighs the bad?  I left you three times.  I abandoned our love like an empty headed teenager.  I felt that it was best to cut it off before it grew even bigger, larger than even we were together.  I left you the night in my bedroom, leaving you there alone and crying for me and for what we'd lost in that horrible transition of love to breakup.  I left you once more and saw you standing down by my car, looking down from in between the curtains of my bedroom upstairs.  I never felt so much a coward.  I never felt so much a failure and used my fears of everything to make it easier for myself to toss you away.  To separate my guilt with cowardice.

I did these things and still knowing the hold over me ... that wasn't enough.  That night was our final goodbye.  A total coward to the bravest man who ever loved me ... for me.

I asked for you and just like that, I got you.  It was too easy.  You fell hard.  I was just skimming the pond.  Afraid to let myself sink in up to my neck with you.  I don’t know to this day which of us, you and I, that I hated the most — you or me!

Just know this … every time I gathered the courage to leave him, just run out that backdoor … he sent Anne after me.  Anne, the third wheel in that distasteful ménage.  A ring of lust is what he held over me.  Anne was his floozy and she didn’t give a damn if she was being used as long as she could get some off the two of us.  Anne was a devout nympho and I was so afraid that I’d end up just like her.  Men … women … it didn’t seem to matter as long as she got hers.  Anne was his whore.  I was only his stupid plaything.  They made me stand off to the side by the door and watch them bang their brains out.  I was jealous and excitedly disappointed and hotly turned on all at the same time.  They always did that to me, in front of me like that and finally let me crawl on my hands and knees to get together all three of us.  It was humilia and sexy and I’d quickly forget my pride and squeeze in to let him give me mine.  Which I did and plenty of it too.  I could fool myself into this sad kind of happiness and thank the stars that I was still in with him.  See … I thought it all over and knew that I could never be like that with you.  It scared me a little and I wasn’t done yet with exploring a totally deviant, wicked-minded sex life.  I never really wanted Anne, I enjoyed her … but he made damn sure that she’d get me down to her level and pin me down like a butterfly to her collection board.  She had her ways and when the two of them ganged up on me … I was just their sex pawn.  A living, loving piece of you know what to use and toss away like an old snotty tissue that he’d just blown his nose into.  I was so lucky that I didn’t get myself pregnant during my time with them.  No one can love no one who doesn’t want to be loved and that’s how I lived my days and nights as his at the ready, always on the clock little slice.

He’s dead now.  I don’t know where his Anne is.  She never came to the funeral. I did.  I wanted to say goodbye to him and goodbye to the fifteen years wasted on him.

He never loved me.

I, at one time had convinced myself that I surely must love him.  What did I know of love when I allowed myself to be used and, yes at times … even abused by both of them when afterwards he and Anne would come to me all teary-eyed and begging forgiveness.  Of course I forgave the two of them and their deviant use of me … and the I’d let them come back and do it all over again.

See … I’d never be able to act like that with you.  There was so much more that you didn’t know and frankly you can never know.  Some secrets have to remain lost in time.

It was high time for a full disclosure, wasn’t it?

There, you have it.  My love, you were right about me all along.  I just couldn’t face letting you know the depth of my debasement.  I preferred instead to stay lost.  That way, see … I was able to leave you with you thinking that I just had poor judgement and little backbone.  I didn’t want to ruin for you our memory of what that springtime offered us.  I couldn’t allow you to know how bad that I really was.  Your little corrupt C girl.  Now it’s out.

I hope you don’t hate me.

We were so good together and I could be your young neophyte and full of big-eyed wonder when you made love to me.

I never felt so loved as back then.

It is my lasting memory of our short time together.

I’ll carry the warmth of us together to my grave.

Rest assured that I did love you, but in my own distorted, disturbed way.

You were entirely too good for me.

I’m sorry that I hurt you .

C.